Second Chances Reality: What Hurts the Most
by BlueRowley
Summary: After Lily's death, Severus must learn to cope with her loss and continue life without her. He struggles with balancing out his work, managing the house, and being a single father to a small toddler struggling to understand the concept of death. As depression worsens, Severus finds it hard to perform even the simplest tasks. A one-shot in the Second Chances Reality series.


I just want to add that I am working hard on all my stories. I try to write at least a few paragraphs every day, even if it's a different story every day. With the real-world happenings and my personal projects, it gets hard to keep up with so much. Thanks for understanding.

So, a few of you wanted to know more about Lily's passing, even a one-shot of her funeral and aftermath. I've decided to do just that. Though, this story was hard to write, even for me, I hope you enjoy it.

As we finally learn in _To Have a Second Chance_, chapter 34, Hepatitis B is what kills Lily post maternity leave when she enters back into her field as an Auror and is cut by the knife of an infected wizard who had accidentally cut himself. To make matters clear (since I don't really cover it much in this story), this wizard was a dark wizard Lily had been attempting to detain for causing a public terror. She had managed to disarm the man's wand, but did not see his knife and the man managed to cut her with it before she finally stunned him and turned him in. Not knowing the man was infected with such a muggle virus, Lily was unaware she was infected for weeks. Once her Healer discovered she was infected with it, it was already too late (more for drama appeal to this story than being realistic) and the virus had damaged her liver to the point of liver cancer and failure. Lily had days left to live, and as she weakened, she became bedridden, but enjoyed her last few days in the company of her family. She passed in the middle of the night. Severus had woken up to the feeling that something wasn't right and found Lily deceased at his side.

Now that we know those details, the events that occurred:

Disclaimer: Do not own Harry Potter

* * *

"One kiss for Mama," Lily said, kissing the large, purple stuffed rabbit on the nose. "And one for Harry." She touched the bunny's nose to her twenty-month-old son's nose, who was lying next to her.

Harry giggled.

"Another kiss for Mummy," Lily kissed the rabbit again, then tapped Harry with it. "And another for Harry."

"I hear a lot of chitchat," Severus said as he entered his bedroom, glaring at his wife and son. "And not a lot of snoring. You two should be napping. Don't make me separate you."

Lily stuck her tongue out at Severus. Harry copied her.

"The defiance!" Severus shook his head disappointingly. He came around the king-sized bed and laid next to Harry, kissed the boy, then leaned over Harry and kissed his wife. "I guess I must babysit until you two fall asleep."

"Suit yourself," Lily said. She smiled at Harry, who was fiddling with the bunny's ears. She gently picked up the bunny despite the ache in her arm. "You know, Harry, I made this special just for you. Inside is a special protective bag where some of my ashes will be enclosed in. That way, no matter what, I will always be with you."

Lily set the stuffed bunny on Harry's chest and smiled when Harry chewed on an ear. Severus snorted. The small family napped together, Harry in the middle with the bunny.

Two Months Later:

She was gone.

It was still so hard to believe that just yesterday Lily had been smiling and talking to him, wishing Harry "sweet dreams" and himself a "goodnight." Only to wake up at three am to the recently passed body of his wife. After briefly trying to resuscitate her with muggle CPR and a couple reviving spells, Severus finally accepted that his wife was indeed gone and would not wake back up. And he cried for her loss.

That had been nearly six hours ago. Since then, Severus had called Healers, Remus and Sirius, Petunia, and a wizarding funeral director. The Healers had taken Lily's body for her cremation. Petunia arranged the burial site near Lily's parents, while Sirius and Remus worked with the funeral director to set everything up for the funeral.

It had been a long morning and Severus was running on severely low sleep and high emotions. At least he had managed to contact everyone he needed. They all knew what to do. Plans had been made weeks ago at Lily's insistence, though Severus hadn't really wanted to discuss them. Lily had made sure she had set aside enough money for it and made a will that stated what she would like done, a burial next to her own parents' graves. She had hoped it would make everything run smoother and be easier on Severus, her family and friends. And Severus had to admit, it did help.

And yet, it was all stressful. Severus wasn't ready for this. He had known the day would arrive at some point, but he always just wished for one more day with Lily. It seems Life had other plans.

Severus quickly filled out an obituary notice for the Daily Prophet before his son's cries reached his room. He sent the owl off with the notice before quickly heading to Harry's room. He had nearly forgotten about his son and what time it was. He had been so busy with everyone else. He entered Harry's room, seeing Harry standing up in his crib teary faced.

"I'm sorry, baby," Severus said, picking up Harry and carrying him to the changing table. "Let's get you out of that nappy."

As Severus started undoing Harry's sleeper, Harry babbled, "Mummy."

Severus froze, unsure how to inform his twenty-two-month-old child that his mother had died during the night. He sighed, leaning down to plant a kiss on the baby's cheek before softly saying, "Mummy's gone, Harry. Mummy died." So much for softening the blow.

"Gone? All gone?" Harry said, relating the word gone to the disappearance of food on a plate.

"All gone," Severus responded as he undressed the baby, changed his nappy, and dressed the child for the day. He carried Harry downstairs and set him down in his highchair. It was then that he realized he had not even prepared a breakfast.

"One second, honey," Severus said, searching the kitchen for something quick to make up. He wiped at his eyes as he realized how many mornings Lily had breakfast prepared and set before he even rose from bed. His straying thoughts made it hard to focus on what food existed in the fridge, his eyes blindly scanning its contents.

Harry fussed in his seat, quickly growing bored with the lack of food and quietness of the house. Severus grabbed a box of cheerios and shook some out on the highchair table. Harry happily began picking up the scattered food while Severus poured a glass of milk for him. After the small breakfast, the Floo began alerting him repeatedly to several calls. Severus had left Harry in his playpen while he answered several questions. After nearly two hours of rushed prepping, Harry's loud screams rang in his ears. Severus walked over to the playpen, but Harry was not inside it. Severus's eyes widened; he had forgotten Harry could climb out.

"Harry!" Severus called.

He followed the cries up the stairs and to his bedroom, where Harry was standing at the end of the king-sized bed trying to climb up it.

"Mummy!" Harry screamed, clinging to the blanket as he struggled up the bed. "Mummy, pick me up!"

"Harry, stop," Severus said, pulling his child off the bed.

"No, Mummy!" Harry cried as he was pulled away.

"Mummy's not up there anymore. Look."

Severus set Harry on his hip and hovered over the bed. Harry's tears stopped as his eyes scanned the bed.

"Mummy? Where Mummy?"

Severus sighed as he rested his head against Harry's. "I told you, baby, she's dead. That means she's not coming back. No more Mummy."

"No more Mummy?"

"No more."

"Okay," Harry said, sticking his thumb into his mouth.

Severus blinked at the boy, unsure where his son's thoughts were. He carried Harry to the boy's bedroom, changed his nappy, then set him back in his playpen with a sippy cup while he dressed for the funeral.

The funeral was long and depressing. Everyone who knew Lily had attended from relatives, friends, coworkers, and even the professors from Hogwarts. Harry seemed in a happier mood that afternoon and had run around the church during the eulogies playing with toy cars and plastic tools. Minerva had been kind enough to offer to take Harry to a separate room in the church while they finished up. During the burial of Lily's ashes, Severus cried as he threw a handful of dirt down on her urn. He felt Petunia's hand on his shoulder as she threw down her handful. She rested her head on Severus's shoulder, both crying for the loss of a wife, sister, and best friend.

An hour passed, and slowly, people began to leave the urn garden.

Another hour, and only Severus, Harry, Sirius, Remus, Petunia, and Dudley remained.

Severus stood at Lily's headstone. The wizard funeral director had buried the urn in seconds with magical aid. Severus stared at the lilies he had put down. He had not looked away once.

"Daddy," Harry announced as he toddled over to his father. His eyes wandered over to the flowers and he reached for them. "Pretty."

"Harry, no," Severus said, pulling the boy back. "Those are for Mum."

"Mummy?" Harry asked.

"Yes, for Mummy."

"Mummy here? I want Mummy," Harry said. "Mummy!"

Severus kneeled down, pulling Harry close. "Remember what I said about Mummy? She's gone now. She can't come to you. Not anymore."

"No more?"

"No more."

"I not want no more. I want Mummy. Mummy!"

"Harry, you're not listening to me. Mummy is gone – forever."

"Mummy! Mummy! Stop!" Harry screamed as Severus tried to pick Harry up. "Not Daddy! Mummy!"

"Harry, please," Severus tried to reason. "Stop this, she can't hear you! She's not coming."

"Mummy!" Harry dropped out of his father's arms and crawled away before standing and running to the nearest building, hoping to find his mother. "Mummy!"

"Severus," Petunia came running over with Dudley on her hip. Sirius managed to snatch Harry before he could run too far. Remus and Petunia stood by Severus, who stayed kneeled on the ground, his hand covering his face. He shook his head at Remus, who reached out a hand to pull Severus to his feet. Once on his feet, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I don't know how to tell him," Severus said.

"I know," Petunia said. "This will be hard on both of you. But if you're strong, Harry will be, too."

"I can't do this," Severus took a step away, running his hands through his hair. "I can't do this without her. I can't . . ."

"Deep breath, Severus," Remus said.

"You can do this," Petunia said encouragingly, setting Dudley down and taking the toddler's hand. "She is with you – in spirit, in your heart; she is here for you. She will always be – for all of us. Including Harry. And now she needs you to be everything for your son. Everything. He needs you more than ever now. He may not understand what's happened – and he may not understand until he's a couple years older, but as long as you're there, that's security for him. That's all he needs: someone to hold him and love him."

"Look," Sirius said, walking over to the group with Harry in his arms, the boy rubbing his cheek. "Look at this little bundle of joy Lily gave you."

Sirius handed Harry over to Severus, who hugged the boy tightly. Harry rested his head on his father's shoulder, contently sucking his thumb.

Two Months Later – Harry's Second Birthday:

Harry sat in the middle of the living room surrounded by unopened presents. He cuddled his stuffed rabbit his mother had made as he picked up his pacifier and put it in his mouth. Severus sighed at the sight of him. For nearly two weeks, Harry had gone on and off crying and calling out for Lily. And then, he stopped.

Like that; silence.

Harry had taken to his pacifier once again. Its frustrated Severus; he and Lily had nearly weaned Harry off it. But now, he constantly had it. If it soothed Harry, Severus would allow it for a while longer. But the pacifier wasn't the only change in Harry's behavior. Harry was clingy. And to Severus alone. When the child was set in his playpen, he watched his father. When he was going down for a nap, he had to sit in his daddy's lap. When Severus made dinner, Harry was sitting in the kitchen fiddling with something on the floor.

And when Severus left Harry's sight, the child cried and oftentimes screamed. Severus couldn't work on anything in his lab, couldn't walk out of a room without Harry, couldn't even use the loo without his child with him. And Harry would cry and cry at night until Severus caved and let the boy sleep in his bed. Severus tried inviting Sirius over to help distract Harry so he could get a moment's peace from the boy. Sirius had managed to engage the boy in a game of "roll the ball," but as soon as Severus stepped out of the room, Harry cried for him. The same happened when Remus came over. And Petunia.

A week ago, Severus had taken Harry to St. Mungo's to see a baby specialist Healer. She had told him that Harry was most likely going through separation anxiety after the loss of one parent. She believed that Harry understood that Lily was gone for good now, but he fears that Severus will disappear next. He is confused, she had said, confused and conflicted. She advised Severus against anxiety potions, instead, to offer Harry a little extra love and affection.

And then his birthday had arrived. His first birthday without Lily. Severus decided to keep it between himself and Harry. Everyone had sent gifts for Harry and sympathy cards for Severus to share their understanding. Severus wasn't sure if it was the best thing to do for Harry's birthday, but it was what he wanted to do.

While Harry was distracted with the shiny bow on a present, Severus slipped into the kitchen and poured himself tea. He felt very alone in this house without Lily. He glanced over to the far counter, where the picture frame of Lily rested. Inside the handcrafted frame, were some of Lily's ashes. His breath hitched as he brought the drink to his lips, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

"Daddy?" Harry's voice called.

Severus lowered the glass, closing his eyes tightly.

"Daddy!" Harry cried. The child's sobs brought Severus back out into the living room. He sat on the floor by Harry, who lifted his arms to be picked up. Severus settled the child in his lap. He picked up the pacifier and offered it to Harry, who opened his mouth for it and sucked, resting his head on Severus's chest.

"Let's open some presents, hmm?" Severus said, pulling the first one toward him and using one hand to pull the paper off, his other hand rubbing soothing circles on Harry's back. He opened the first toy, revealing a new alphabet and numbers book. "Look at that! What do you think, honey?"

Harry continued to suck on his pacifier. He rubbed at his eye with a fist, keeping his head on his father's chest. Severus sighed and tossed the book aside.

"That'd have been my reaction, too," he muttered. He rubbed a hand down his face. "How about a nap? Want to take a nap? I think we should do that."

Leaving the rest of the presents unopened, Severus stood and carried Harry up to his bedroom.

Two Months Later:

Severus lay on the ground face down, his head resting on his arms as he watched his son drool on the stuffed rabbit. Not the most productive thing he could be doing now, but he hadn't been productive in a long time now. Besides eating and taking care of Harry, he spent more and more days sleeping wherever he was watching Harry. At the moment, that happened to be the living room.

Severus closed his eyes. What else was there to do? Maybe he was depressed as Sirius had said. Remus had recommended therapy. But Severus didn't want some therapist telling him what was wrong with his life. He already knew: Lily was missing from it. Lily had been everything - his love, his hope, his dream. Now there was nothing left. Nothing but an empty heart. What was he supposed to do?

He didn't actually have a job. Before Lily's passing, he brewed potions whenever he felt like it and sold those. They made good money depending on the potion. But he hadn't been brewing lately. And he had no money now. If not for Remus and Sirius pitching in to pay the bills and stock on groceries, he'd be half-starved and have no hot water. He would have to pay them back at some point for the last three months. He'll get there, when he found the energy to move again. When he found a reason to live again.

Yep. Very likely depressed.

He was nearly asleep when he felt small hands petting his hair. He opened his eyes. Harry was petting his head as if he were a dog.

"Daddy hair soft," Harry said, sitting by his father's head, dragging his purple bunny over to him. The boy reached up and petted his own hair. "Hair soft like Daddy."

"Hmm," Severus commented.

"Mummy all gone," Harry suddenly stated.

Severus sighed and closed his eyes, tears burning his eyes. He nodded his head. The boy just had to say that. He swallowed and sighed again, finding control over himself and opening his eyes again. Harry was distracted by the buttons on the sleeve of Severus's robe, as if the previous statement was no more than an observation. Harry noticed Severus looking at him and he smiled.

"I love you, Daddy."

Severus felt a tear escape his eye and he smiled back at his son. "I love you, too, Harry."

Harry smiled, then titled his head at his bunny toy, holding it up to show Severus.

"Teddy bear," he said.

Severus snorted. "It's a rabbit, sweetie. A bunny rabbit."

Harry frowned and Severus watched the cute, thoughtful expression on his boy's face.

"Teddy bunny?" Harry asked, lifting the stuffed animal again.

Severus chuckled and shook his head.

"Sure. A teddy bunny."

"Teddy bunny bear," Harry squealed happily, hugging the toy. Then he kissed the bunny on the nose. "Kiss for Harry." Harry then shoved the rabbit in Severus's face. "Kiss for Daddy."

Severus laughed again. What had he been thinking? He had everything to live for! This beautiful baby boy in front of him - it was his. His to raise, to love, to protect, to cherish. What was he doing to himself? He needed to get back on his feet! Metaphorically. Currently, the two-year-old was smothering him with a rabbit.

Severus pulled his head away and lifted a hand to stroke Harry's cheek. Harry smiled at his father, leaning into the touch, then smiled at the rabbit. "Kiss for Harry," he said again, kissing the rabbit. He held the rabbit out to Severus. "Kiss for Daddy."

Severus took the rabbit and kissed it on the nose, knowing in a way, he was kissing Lily. "And another kiss for Harry," Severus said, bopping Harry's nose with the rabbit. "And a hundred more kisses for Harry!"

Severus gently scooped Harry under him and planted several kisses on the boy's face and neck, making the child squeal. Severus smiled down at him, nuzzling noses with the boy. He loved his son more than anything in the world now. And he would make sure they both pulled through this overwhelming hurt. As long as they had each other, they would be just fine.

Two Months Later:

"Bloody hell!" Harry said, then laughed as Sirius gave him an exasperated look.

"We've talked about this, Harry," Sirius said, crossing his arms. "You don't say that. It's fiddlesticks, remember?"

Harry stuck his tongue out at Sirius.

Severus watched their interaction from the kitchen doorway, smiling at his little troublemaker. He'd let Sirius deal with the potty mouth today – it was the man's own fault Harry said those words.

"Fiddlesticks is bloody hell," Harry said.

"You know what I think of this," Sirius said, cracking his fingers, "I think all this language needs to be punished. Come here, you!"

Sirius tackled Harry to the floor gently and tickled the boy. Harry's laughter was music to Severus's ears compared to the silent child he had mere months ago. They were still healing, but they were healing together.

"I still can't believe it," Remus said, shaking his head as he walked out of the kitchen, "you brewed, vialed, and sold three hundred potions in one week?"

"Considering they were all simple Pepper-ups and in high demand at St. Mungos and medicinal shops, yes, I did. Good money too."

"I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you're getting back up again. I know these past few months have been extremely hard on you and Harry. But he looks so happy again and you look like you're actually eating once in a while."

"Ha ha," Severus rolled his eyes. He smiled at Harry. "We're getting there. He's back in his own room again. It's been a full week and a half since he's slept in my bed. I just have to be there with him until he falls asleep and then he's good for the night. We're healing. Slowly, but nonetheless."

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Yes, that purple stuffed rabbit "teddy bunny bear" has some of Lily's ashes in a special pouch. The toy has made an appearance in a couple other one-shots, and it will be reappearing in the main stories soon for a special chapter. I hope you enjoyed this! It has been sitting on my laptop for nearly nine months now – it took me so long to write this, but I am happy to share it now.


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